Complications

I don’t usually say this, but I’ve had enough. Naasar na ko because you are so immature of things. You always like it your way. You always think you can take anyone or get away with it without any problem. Well the thing is, realidad to at eto ang buhay natin you have to suck it up. Wala na kong pakelam kung anong gusto mong gawin sa buhay mo, you never listen. Well you can have it your way. Ever since ganon ka naman diba? That’s why I can’t be your friend anymore. Aye, we’re workmates and we function in one organization. Pero that’s it, that’s how far this relationship goes. No more. I try to enlighten you about they way of life and the people around you pero hindi ka marunong makinig. Then you’ll get mad kase they’re thinking like this about you. Pero tulad ng sinasabi ko sayo, wala tayong karapatang magreklamo sa mga opinyon ng tao satin. Kung anong pinapakita mo sa kanila yun yung ibabalik nila sayo. I don’t want to stress myself over this damn thing. You are the problem. And I don’t think you understand that.

 

 

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Complications

Ang ingay!

And no I don’t really like loud noises from the people around me. I am the socially awkward one. Siguro dahil hindi ko alam kung papaano sabayan yung mga tao sa paligid ko? Hindi ko alam kung ano ba yung dapat kong sabihin o i-reak sa mga taong nakapaligid sakin. Hindi ako makasabay at tingin ko kapag sumabay ako sa kanila tingin nila sakin eh isang weirdo. Isang malaking weirdo na humihiyaw ng atensyon. At yun yung ayoko. Ayoko ng ingay. Ayoko kase hindi ko naman alam kung ano ba yung dapat kong ibahagi sa kanila. Kaya everytime na nagkukumpulan yung mga tao dito sa office para sa mga bagay (mostly socially) hindi ko alam kung dapat ba kong sumali o makisama sa kanila. Hindi ko naman kase alam kung may mga bagay ba na dapat talagang bigyan ko ng atensyon. Baka kase isipin nila masyado akong awkward, o kung anong problema ko at bakit ako tahimik o bakit ako hindi nakikilasali sa kanila. Pero ang totoo nyan wala ako sa mood at ayokong makipag usap. Ayoko sa atensyon, ayoko sa mga treatment na pang normal kase hindi ako normal.

May mga pagkakataon na wala ako sa mood makipag-usap o pansinin lahat ng tao sa paligid ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kelangan nilang itanong kung ano bang problema ko o bakit ako tahimik. Eh ang gusto ko lang ng mga panahon na yon eh mapag-isa. Ayoko ng may pumapansin sakin, ayoko ng may tumitingin sakin. Ayoko ng lahat ng gusto ng normal na tao. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, kaya wag mo nang itanong

That’s why I keep my mouth shut, every fucking time, kase baka bigla akong sumabog. Baka bigla akong makapag bitaw ng mga salita na alam kong pagsisisihian ko sa bandang huli. Baka makasakit ako, o baka ako ang masaktan. Hindi ko alam kung anong mahika ba meron sa utak ko at ayoko ng kahit na ano.

Naiinis ako. Kelangang kong huminahon kase anytime baka sumabog ako ngayon dito. At ayoko non.

Bakit ganon? Pakiramdam ko naliligaw ako? Parang gusto kong kumawala. Parang gusto kong umalis at hayaan ang mga paa kong lumaboy. Ang hirap hanapin ng isang bagay na hindi naman nawawala. Mas mahirap maghanap sa kawalan at magkunwari na may hinahanap.

Para akong gustom at handang lamunin ang kahit na ano mang makita ko. Para akong baliw na naghahanap at nagtatago ng mga bagay na gusto at ayaw ko.

Hindi ko na rin alam kung ano ang ano at alin ang alin.

Hindi ko na rin alam kung saan ba ko dadalhin ng katawang hapong hapo pero gustong magpatuloy pa rin.

Hindi ko na alam.

Hindi na.

Hindi pa.

 

 

Here’s my confession

I wasn’t looking for a friend that I would treat as special  (like someone I had before). Then you came with your playfulness, jokes, songs and spirit. For once, I was enjoying and laughing because of a friend like you. Maybe we are the definition of close friends, you told everybody that I am your best friend (but I sometimes wonder what does being best of friends mean to you?) So I just go with the flow, I just go where my feelings would take me, where every moment would take me with you.

But forgive me for sometimes not telling you everything I feel. Sharing is kind of a big deal for me, I open up my thoughts, hatred and rage to only few people who actually knew me (and I don’t think you know me very well). I wanted you to be one of the few, but I am beginning to see that you’re just like me. Hesitant. Private. I tried my best to open up, to tell stories, to share my life. Sometimes and there will be times that I’d rather be quiet and solve them by myself. It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything. I just don’t  want to burden you and everyone with my nonsense. I’ve got a lot of things on my mind, I overthink, I overreact (not in a very obvious way), I stress myself out of small and simple things (I don’t even know if my brain works in a  normal way, seriously).

You are affectionate and you’re brave to show your feelings and opinion about things, that’s what I like about you. Because I crave for affection, because you remind me so much of her, because you remind me so much of how I feel when I was with her and because of that sometimes its so hard to be around you.

Again, it’s not your fault.

I’ll continue. We’re almost inseparable (almost) if that’s what they call it. and that’s the only word that will fit my definition. I loved spending time with you, like how you tolerate my silence and social awkwardness. But then, one day someone broke your heart. I wanted to be that friend who’ll comfort you and tell you what you need to hear. But I don’t know how or where to start. I feel like we’re so close but we’re so far from each other because of the things that we keep and we choose not to share. I wanted to be the one to break the ice, but I feel like you don’t want it to break. So I restrained myself from sharing the details of my life. Then suddenly you began to spill yours, not that much but enough to feed me the information that I need from your life. And I liked it, from that moment I loved that you’ve told me stories of your life. But somehow I still feel like I know you but I don’t really know all of you. I just can’t get past that, I don’t know why.

Then the story goes by and we go out on adventures and movies and then we stopped. Why? Because you’ve got someone new? I wanted to ask you “Are you sure? Isn’t it so soon? Do you really need to have someone new? Are you really afraid of being alone?” But I didn’t asked those questions because I want you to explore yourself. I wanted you to learn from your own because I think that maybe that’s what you need. So we go out less, we talked less, I opened up less. Because I feel like you don’t need me anymore. I feel abandoned by you but I’d like to think that maybe I was not really abandoned by you because I pushed away from you (that’s one of my specialty). I began to feel that I am giving more and receiving less. I began to think that I am being used. I just want you to contradict it. To be there, to ask me questions like “how’s my day, where have I been, where I want to go?” and not just come to me when you needed someone to be your company. I get tired of understanding and hoping.

Then I can feel that you’re changing, yo’re slowly becoming less. And just like that, I stopped asking questions because I am not ready to hear your answers.  You said that he look like him. He gives you flowers, take you to places you wanted and gave you gifts.  You said you were happy, are you? And just like that I simply walk farther and farther and farther away. I just thought that maybe I am not what you needed for that kind of hurt. Damn I feel like this is all my drama. Slowly I feel that you are drifting away, or was it me? You began to break your promises, you began to upset me and when I’m upset I don’t talk. I don’t listen. I just stay quiet. We’re drifting apart and it’s very obvious that we’re both not making any effort to revive the spirit that was there before. I can tell by the amount of conversations we’re having. I wanted to revive this, I wanted to reconcile. Just once I don’t want to lose someone, like before. But where are you every time we have that chance?

Fast forward. The day comes when you introduced him to us. From there you’ve made a tricky decision, it was supposed  to be a “tropa” day but you insist. Funny how you can be so hard headed and do things just because you like to do them. I wanted to see right through you I wanted to understand, but how? I don’t get any explanation from you. He was rude, but I want to understand why. I wanted to believe that there are reasons why he dd what he did. Puta ha but that’s not how he should act in front of us. We’re your friends, but it feels like we don’t matter. Hahahaha. If you’re going to be like this, if you’re going to be so distant and different then I do not need to be understanding. I can be selfish too. Sorry. Yes, I have judged you, it’s your turn to defend yourself.

The end.

Here’s my confession

Fuck Feelings. Fuck People

Seriously, I am not really in the mood to do anything at work. My workplace sucks, my salary grade sucks, the people I am working with are wearing me off and I am getting tired of their personality. I don’t really know if the problem is on me or the system. I just want to sleep all day, do nothing. Maybe because the people around me are draining so much of my energy, I can’t ride with them or I can’t be with them because I am afraid that they might not want me.or that maybe I am too difficult for them.

Okay. I am that type of person who will not talk or start a conversation if I am not in the mood to do so. I just care so much about what the people I am with will think so I chat a little even if some conversations we share are pointless or useless. Because I am afraid they might feel awkward. It’s just sometimes it’s so draining, that I don’t want to greet anybody or talk to anyone. I just want silence. I get so uncomfortable with the noise they make sometimes, it makes me feel vulnerable because they might think that I should be making a contribution for the conversation or laughter or that I should blend with the group. I do blend with the group sometimes/ most of the time I just want to be alone.

One of the contributing factors of why I am feeling so fucking empty right now is that I am getting tired of everything/everyone around me. I hate that some people are taking me for granted. They do not appreciate my efforts, the things that I will do for them and the things that they will not do for me. I am always the giving one. I am always the one who will have to sacrifice. I know they do not mean to make me feel that way, but do I have to say what I really want? It might get uncomfortable because I do not know how to articulate these things because I might hurt their feelings or I might end up being the bad guy. I’m just getting really pissed and really tired with these people. I don’t want to fake smiles anymore, I just wan to finally finally get over this. It might not be a big deal for them after all, so here I go. I will not say anything.  I’ll try not to feel anything. It’s just so fucking hard sometimes, especially with that kind of people around you.

 

Fuck Feelings. Fuck People