I wasn’t looking for a friend that I would treat as special (like someone I had before). Then you came with your playfulness, jokes, songs and spirit. For once, I was enjoying and laughing because of a friend like you. Maybe we are the definition of close friends, you told everybody that I am your best friend (but I sometimes wonder what does being best of friends mean to you?) So I just go with the flow, I just go where my feelings would take me, where every moment would take me with you.
But forgive me for sometimes not telling you everything I feel. Sharing is kind of a big deal for me, I open up my thoughts, hatred and rage to only few people who actually knew me (and I don’t think you know me very well). I wanted you to be one of the few, but I am beginning to see that you’re just like me. Hesitant. Private. I tried my best to open up, to tell stories, to share my life. Sometimes and there will be times that I’d rather be quiet and solve them by myself. It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything. I just don’t want to burden you and everyone with my nonsense. I’ve got a lot of things on my mind, I overthink, I overreact (not in a very obvious way), I stress myself out of small and simple things (I don’t even know if my brain works in a normal way, seriously).
You are affectionate and you’re brave to show your feelings and opinion about things, that’s what I like about you. Because I crave for affection, because you remind me so much of her, because you remind me so much of how I feel when I was with her and because of that sometimes its so hard to be around you.
Again, it’s not your fault.
I’ll continue. We’re almost inseparable (almost) if that’s what they call it. and that’s the only word that will fit my definition. I loved spending time with you, like how you tolerate my silence and social awkwardness. But then, one day someone broke your heart. I wanted to be that friend who’ll comfort you and tell you what you need to hear. But I don’t know how or where to start. I feel like we’re so close but we’re so far from each other because of the things that we keep and we choose not to share. I wanted to be the one to break the ice, but I feel like you don’t want it to break. So I restrained myself from sharing the details of my life. Then suddenly you began to spill yours, not that much but enough to feed me the information that I need from your life. And I liked it, from that moment I loved that you’ve told me stories of your life. But somehow I still feel like I know you but I don’t really know all of you. I just can’t get past that, I don’t know why.
Then the story goes by and we go out on adventures and movies and then we stopped. Why? Because you’ve got someone new? I wanted to ask you “Are you sure? Isn’t it so soon? Do you really need to have someone new? Are you really afraid of being alone?” But I didn’t asked those questions because I want you to explore yourself. I wanted you to learn from your own because I think that maybe that’s what you need. So we go out less, we talked less, I opened up less. Because I feel like you don’t need me anymore. I feel abandoned by you but I’d like to think that maybe I was not really abandoned by you because I pushed away from you (that’s one of my specialty). I began to feel that I am giving more and receiving less. I began to think that I am being used. I just want you to contradict it. To be there, to ask me questions like “how’s my day, where have I been, where I want to go?” and not just come to me when you needed someone to be your company. I get tired of understanding and hoping.
Then I can feel that you’re changing, yo’re slowly becoming less. And just like that, I stopped asking questions because I am not ready to hear your answers. You said that he look like him. He gives you flowers, take you to places you wanted and gave you gifts. You said you were happy, are you? And just like that I simply walk farther and farther and farther away. I just thought that maybe I am not what you needed for that kind of hurt. Damn I feel like this is all my drama. Slowly I feel that you are drifting away, or was it me? You began to break your promises, you began to upset me and when I’m upset I don’t talk. I don’t listen. I just stay quiet. We’re drifting apart and it’s very obvious that we’re both not making any effort to revive the spirit that was there before. I can tell by the amount of conversations we’re having. I wanted to revive this, I wanted to reconcile. Just once I don’t want to lose someone, like before. But where are you every time we have that chance?
Fast forward. The day comes when you introduced him to us. From there you’ve made a tricky decision, it was supposed to be a “tropa” day but you insist. Funny how you can be so hard headed and do things just because you like to do them. I wanted to see right through you I wanted to understand, but how? I don’t get any explanation from you. He was rude, but I want to understand why. I wanted to believe that there are reasons why he dd what he did. Puta ha but that’s not how he should act in front of us. We’re your friends, but it feels like we don’t matter. Hahahaha. If you’re going to be like this, if you’re going to be so distant and different then I do not need to be understanding. I can be selfish too. Sorry. Yes, I have judged you, it’s your turn to defend yourself.